First Campaign Challenge: Sweet Plums


At first I thought I wouldn't be able to participate in the first campaign challenge, but it seems that I have found some time after all. I have been given contestant #77. Let me know what you think.  


Shadows crept across the wall as Mcroy moved down the dank alley. He kept his revolver pointed forward with only one round in the chamber. It was all he had left to defend himself, and he was about to use it.
A Shanairean guard stood ahead of him with his back toward him unsuspecting. Mcroy knew the implications. If he missed, he would forfeit his life early. The Shanairean guard had strength unmatched by any mortal soul. If he failed to kill it promptly he would be easily ripped from limb to limb. So he moved in closer, squeezing the grip hard.
Glass crunched under his feet, and the guard swiftly spun toward him upon the sound which sank into the stone walls. The Shanairean guard’s eyes grew wide finding Mcroy’s revolver two feet from his head.
A loud bang clamored down the alley as Mcroy pulled the trigger. His last shot used, but the guard remained standing dodging the bullet before it had been fired. How could it be? How was it possible? He missed his target at point blank.
The guards eyes grew furious and his lip pulled back in a snarl.
“Sweet Plums,” Mcroy muttered. “I missed.” 

28 comments:

I LOVE Mcroy's reaction: sweet plums, I missed. That's a great ending!

 

I like the interplay between the seriousness of the situation and humor :)

 

"Sweet Plums." Love it! Great setup and execution on an action scene. Where's the rest? :)

 

How did he miss his target? I want to know!

 

Great take on the challenge! And how did he miss!? I want more of the story!

I'm entry #19

 

Oh my - fantastic build-up - solid action - well done!

 

Love the last line "Sweet plums, I missed" Heheh nice job! :D

I'm #37

 

Love this! Watch out for your present active participles though, like "unsuspecting," "finding," "dodging." Perhaps put a comma before the adjectival phrases that those words begin. "His last shot used" is troublesome, too. Did the guard just turn really fast, or why didn't Mcroy shoot as soon as the guard started to turn? He had enough time to widen his eyes and everything. I would save the eyes widening for when Mcroy realizes he's missed, like he's surprised at himself. Anyway, now for the awesome bits. I quite like Mcroy, so good job at managing that in so few words. Forfeit his life "early"? So he's planning on forfeiting his life at some point? I love it when just one word tells so much, that's what short fiction like this should do, but also what a lot of people don't manage so well! And of course, the end is excellent! Funny! And now I want to read more of it. ~ Sarah, #79, your challenge-number neighbor. =)

 

Would have to agree, the last line was great!

 

Yikes! Not looking good for poor Mcroy! Very suspenseful. Nicely done.

I'm a new follower and challenge entry #96.

(Oh, and you might consider turning off your Word Verification. With the new 2-word format, it's preventing many commenters from leaving comments.)

 

hmmm...I want more info!!! That's a good thing, btw.

I'm #58, Tale Spinning

 

Thanks for the input guys. It's actually based off of my WIP. As for how the guard dodged at point blank, well it's something to be explained in the book.
Once again thanks for the complements and advice. I'll be off to read your challenges.

 

his reaction to missing was pretty funny!! Although, I'm not sure that's what I'd be saying! :D Great job!

 

Sweet Plums! That's cute. Nice voice.

 

Hi Andrew, I'm stopping by from the Fantasy group at the Campaign.

Can I just say, that last line was awesome. I feel sorry for the poor guy, but can't help laughing . . .

 

Sweet plums indeed. I love that line! Mine is #71

 

ha! I love Mcroy's reaction! I enjoyed this.

 

Oh no, he missed! Poor guy! The sweet plums reaction made me laugh! I'm # 61.

 

Very tense buildup and I like his nonchalant reaction when he misses, makes for a good contrast.

 

I agree with Nick, nice building of tension, but a little bit of humor at the end. ^_^

 

Love that last line. Excellent entry. I'm going to vote for you! Visit me at entry #151.
A2ZMommy and What’s In Between

 

Love that last line! Great voice! New follower…check me out I'm #82, although mine is much steamier ;)

 

Thanks for the feedback. It took me a while to get that last line figured out. At first I was thinking of a more serious ending but then decided to do something a little more sporadic.

 

That doesn't sound good for Mcroy.

I love the last line!

 

You've been tagged to join the Great Star Wars Blogathon! Details here: http://www.troublewithroy.com/2012/03/so-you-say-youve-got-this-idea-on-how.html

 

Hehehe -sweet plums! Man, I have to use that at work :)
Nice to meet you, and lovely little story
Lx

 

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